He's like one of those weird things that you need to buy... You're just like, I want that. He's like a fossil of a shell or something. He's absolutely not useful at all, but you just want him on your shelf. And you wouldn't want someone else to have him. He's like those pants you buy that are kind of ugly and boyish but you like anyway. Not that he's ugly, but other people don't want him, other people probably wouldn't buy those pants but you like them and if you saw someone else wearing them - even though you thought no one else would want to - you would be upset because they are your pants. He's like that ugly dragonfly brooch your grandma gave you, not to wear, but for luck. You don't necessarily want to show him to people but you still want some kind of ownership over him because he's really actually not like anyone you've ever met. He's just bizarre and you want to hang him on your wall. Like in a secret room. You just want him to yourself - despite how you actually feel about him, despite that you never really felt that much for him anyway. You found him so no one else should have him. He is your shell fossil and ugly cargo pants and dragonfly brooch. He doesn't make sense but you still like him. He should kind of only just be yours, even though you don't want him that much anyway.
I have no desire to be an active part of the Xanga community I really just want to blog. Do not want to comment or make friends anymore. Pardon my antisocial tendencies, but I'm just gonna blog now and no one has to read it and I'll be perfectly okay with it. I am sitting on my bed in university and blogging why do I feel cool? Cause I'm actually lame. That's why, I think.
Valentine's Day equaling tomorrow makes me upset. I'm sad. I am actually sad about being single on Valentine's Day and not just bitter angry lonely sad, well, actually, not bitter angry lonely sad at all. I am sad because I am single and I feel like I should not be. Indeed. The media (haha the media) tells me that I should not be single because I am young and healthy and usually breathing. Therefore, I think I need a man to complete me and to celebrate Valentine's Day with. It really is quite awful. It's terrible actually. Especially when I put it that way. I will have zero desire to wake up tomorrow morning, and unfortunately I have to wake up at 9:45, which may seem like sleeping in to the average person but I am by no means the average person and I will probably go to bed at 4 am and get not enough sleep, which is all my own fault, I completely realize. And then there's that whole other thing where I'm just confused and sad because drinking kind of does that to you. Yeah. For sure. I should not drink when I am emotionally vulnerable, e.g., within two days of Valentine's Day. My life is just so crazy and interesting and I wish it was not. I wish it was high school and I liked boys based on their Facebook likes and what they looked like shirtless. Because that actually happened. I'm nodding right now because that basically sums up all of my high school crushes actually it doesn't at all but it sums up like 4 of them so that's like, the majority of the minority or something. That doesn't make sense. I think I'm kind of maybe insane. I think I'm insane for sure. I think I should do what I did before and like 6 boys at one time and not focus on any of them specifically and live a happy and carefree life. That was actually so effective. That was like the secret to my happiness first semester. Thinking about one person, or even two people, jk but not really makes you go actually insane. Crazy insane. Too much of 2 people in my brain but I think one is a joke but I should not be able to play jokes on myself but I think I'm actually capable. Yeah. Weird. This is not getting me anywhere at all. I'm hungry but I have no desire to put anything into my mouth it's really awful. I was really happy and epic yesterday I think and now I'm not. No, I was terribly confused yesterday too. Oh well. I can't do anything about it. Jesus should help me out here actually. Well I hope he does. Can Jesus/God/the entire Holy Trinity be my valentine? Is that a weird thing to ask? Yes it is. I do not need boys. I should be a nun. Why have I never seriously considered this before? Because it would be relatively impossible for me specifically I think. I don't actually know though. Maybe I should give it a try - I think I maybe secretly am trying to be a nun already. For sure a possibility. Yeah, so this isn't really getting me anywhere. I don't think I'm any happier. I think I need time. Time will give me clarity. Time and hopefully Jesus. And k, I lied, I actually hope Jesus reads my blog.
Movies and car rides and country music and TV shows and snowstorms and over-sized tees and doing laundry and walking, studying, talking, eating, sleeping, breathing by myself and Shania Twain songs and having an itch and reading Cosmo and fireplaces and lakes and camping and taking the bus and being lonely and cute boys I see walking to class and dancing and being sick and Facebook and liking boys and smart boys and stupid girls and text messages and the radio and couples not being gross and old couples holding hands and men in trucks and being drunk and pmsing and eating chocolate strawberries and foreign languages and motorcycles and hipster music and boys with accents and reading my horoscope and writing in my journal and playing with my hair and couches and the beach and sunsets and guys who hold doors open and birth control and my Nana asking me if I have a boyfriend and MAKING A DAMN LIST OF EVERYTHING, make(s) me want a boyfriend.
Michaela: (cracks ankles) Jacob: Ew. Michaela: You're playing Neopets. Jacob: (silence) Michaela: I won that one.
I'm bad at Christmas. Jacob is my brother. He is almost 21. Those two sentences should have been reversed. I miss blogging. I miss my blog friends. I miss being a part of a virtual universe and I really don't like this sentence at all, in an effort to make it better I will end it with pamplemousse. I think it's relatively better now. I don't even know what to blog about. It's gonna be one of those blogs. I feel like this is the only way I know how to start blogging again. I'm sitting on my brother's bed and watching him earn millions of Neopoints. He's really into it right now. He hasn't played in like 8 years and he decided to again. I don't know why I'm justifying his behaviour now, I started off this blog with the intention of making him look bad. I'm too nice. That's not true. I finished a semester of university. I actually finished it without dying. I'm actually so impressed with myself. Not like I'm stupid, or think I'm stupid, but I was so so so overwhelmed before I started and now I'm fine and well adjusted and I'm pretty proud of myself. I still don't know what I want to major in though. Leading toward psychology, but kind of wanting to major in Spanish, but that's obviously useless, unless I want to teach Spanish, or maybe teach English in a Spanish country, I don't know. This isn't an interesting thing to write about. I don't know what to do with my life. I've been praying a lot lately. A lot of bad/good things have been happening. I don't know. Prayers are helpful I think. There are a lot of baby girls in my family now, or extended family, but more like actual family - 3 of them. It is so exciting. I want to take them all shopping right now. I want a baby. Not actually. I'm 18 now. Did I mention I was 18? Did I mention I was no longer jailbait? It's relatively invigorating. I so miss writing. I miss using big-ish words and not sounding pretentious out loud. That's what I love about university though - there are so many really smart people. You can use real words and they'll understand you. It's not like the people in my high school are dumb, I would just use words sometimes and they would think I was making them up when anyone with kind of average intelligence should know what they mean. Like patronize. Or something. I am significantly less boy crazy now that I am in university. That's not entirely true. I am significantly less obsessive though which makes me seem significantly less crazy. Which is good, especially when I needed to make new friends. I need to apply for a summer job but I am so far away from summer right now that I honestly don't even think I can really think about summer. And I don't want to work at Zellers, for various reasons.
My laptop is so dying. I guess I'm ending this here.
I hope to be blogging more during the Christmas break and after Christmas, and then during next semester, but I'm kind of a flake. So if you want to keep up with me, if you even remember who I am, or if you are remotely interested in my life, you can follow me on (shameless plug time):